Responsible Fatherhood
Changing World
By DR. BERNARDO M. VILLEGAS
May 24, 2012, 6:35pm
MANILA, Philippines — Some of the most striking advertising messages I have seen in the entries to the annual Tambuli award given by the University of Asia and the Pacific to values-laden and effective marketing campaigns have to do with responsible fatherhood. Whether they have to do with fast food services, chocolate candies, insurance policies, or noodles, the marketing of products or services is increasingly being tied up with the need for the father of the family to increasingly spend time with his children and to devote both quantity and quality time to interacting with the entire family, especially during dinner.
In a recent trip to Indonesia, I noticed that the emphasis on the role of the father in the appropriate raising of children is becoming an Asian-wide, if not universal, phenomenon. In the March 25, 2012, issue of the Jakarta Globe, I read an article by Emmy Fitr entitled "Teaching Modern-Day Fathers to Raise Families." The article reported about an association founded by a child education specialist, Irwan Rinaldi, called Sahabat Ayah (Father's Best Friend). Mr. Rinaldi is advocating a change of mindset among Indonesian fathers who have traditionally assumed that they are excused from any child-rearing duties because they are the breadwinners. They have relegated the upbringing of children almost exclusively to their wives. Considering today's circumstances, in which more mothers have to juggle professional work with taking care of the home, there must be a change in the lifestyle among fathers. Mr. Rinaldi says it all: "Many fathers believe that it is enough to be physically present around their children. They don't realize how important their role is in shaping a child's character by getting involved... Every morning I see fathers drop their children at school, but they are busy checking their BlackBerrys. They don't even look into their children's eyes when parting, let along say something encouraging."
The situation may not be as extreme in the Philippines. Through parish-based organizations or private initiatives of parents themselves (as in the cases of EDUCHILD Foundation and the Parents for Education Foundation), there are more fathers getting involved in the day-to-day business of child rearing. Mothers are no longer being left alone to fend for themselves in the upbringing of children. Much more can be done, however, to promote the cause of father involvement, not only in child rearing but in household chores in general. It is good to be reminded by Indonesians, who are predominantly Muslim, about the very Catholic doctrine that marriage is for the procreation and education of children. Because of gender stereotypes, however spending a lot of time at home and in housework has been considered a predominantly female task. We may have to set up more organizations that can replicate the work of Sahabat Ayah in the Philippines at all social levels.
Irwan reminds fathers that the most critical period in character building is between infancy and 15 years. Many of them miss the opportunity because they think that being with their young children is a waste of time. In a regular radio talk show on fathering, Irwan encourages Indonesian fathers to be more pro-active in the affairs in the household: "Fathering knows no break. If you only begin when your children are older than 15, it's too late. Pre-teen is a rough period that children must struggle through, which is why fathers must build a solid foundation with their children." They must have sufficient theoretical as well as practical knowledge about their role as regards the whole-person development of their sons and daughters, which must involve different psychological and spiritual approaches. The father must be specially sensitive to the need of his pre-teen sons to be given advice on adolescent sexuality. He must also know how to support his wife in guiding their daughters on the same subject. This parental responsibility was especially highlighted in a TV advertisement of a consumer product, in which a teenage daughter during a family meal referred to the predicament of a girl classmate who was impregnated by her boyfriend.
Irwan, in addition to the radio talk show, drives his motorcycle (the most ubiquitous object in Jakarta) every day to meet fathers in parking lots and other public places. In one of the sessions with fathers, he met a mining company executive who was having a hard time connecting with his 12-year-old daughter. He asked the father if he ever called his daughter during the day just to tell her he missed her. "He said he never did. So I asked him to call her that afternoon. It's not easy. When the daughter picked up the phone, her answer was hostile like 'Why did you call?' " It seems it took several days for the father to begin a healthy conversation. It took some time before the father could begin a healthy conversation with the daughter. “The words” I called you because I miss you and want to know how you have been doing today’ seemed to be so hard to say," remarked the anxious father. Fortunately, he had made the first step. He had broken the ice. I hope fathers who are reading this column will examine their own practices and make the necessary changes to improve their relations with their children. As the name of the Indonesian foundation suggests, fathers should be the best friends of their children. For comments, my e-mail address is bernardo.villegas@uap.asia.
In a recent trip to Indonesia, I noticed that the emphasis on the role of the father in the appropriate raising of children is becoming an Asian-wide, if not universal, phenomenon. In the March 25, 2012, issue of the Jakarta Globe, I read an article by Emmy Fitr entitled "Teaching Modern-Day Fathers to Raise Families." The article reported about an association founded by a child education specialist, Irwan Rinaldi, called Sahabat Ayah (Father's Best Friend). Mr. Rinaldi is advocating a change of mindset among Indonesian fathers who have traditionally assumed that they are excused from any child-rearing duties because they are the breadwinners. They have relegated the upbringing of children almost exclusively to their wives. Considering today's circumstances, in which more mothers have to juggle professional work with taking care of the home, there must be a change in the lifestyle among fathers. Mr. Rinaldi says it all: "Many fathers believe that it is enough to be physically present around their children. They don't realize how important their role is in shaping a child's character by getting involved... Every morning I see fathers drop their children at school, but they are busy checking their BlackBerrys. They don't even look into their children's eyes when parting, let along say something encouraging."
The situation may not be as extreme in the Philippines. Through parish-based organizations or private initiatives of parents themselves (as in the cases of EDUCHILD Foundation and the Parents for Education Foundation), there are more fathers getting involved in the day-to-day business of child rearing. Mothers are no longer being left alone to fend for themselves in the upbringing of children. Much more can be done, however, to promote the cause of father involvement, not only in child rearing but in household chores in general. It is good to be reminded by Indonesians, who are predominantly Muslim, about the very Catholic doctrine that marriage is for the procreation and education of children. Because of gender stereotypes, however spending a lot of time at home and in housework has been considered a predominantly female task. We may have to set up more organizations that can replicate the work of Sahabat Ayah in the Philippines at all social levels.
Irwan reminds fathers that the most critical period in character building is between infancy and 15 years. Many of them miss the opportunity because they think that being with their young children is a waste of time. In a regular radio talk show on fathering, Irwan encourages Indonesian fathers to be more pro-active in the affairs in the household: "Fathering knows no break. If you only begin when your children are older than 15, it's too late. Pre-teen is a rough period that children must struggle through, which is why fathers must build a solid foundation with their children." They must have sufficient theoretical as well as practical knowledge about their role as regards the whole-person development of their sons and daughters, which must involve different psychological and spiritual approaches. The father must be specially sensitive to the need of his pre-teen sons to be given advice on adolescent sexuality. He must also know how to support his wife in guiding their daughters on the same subject. This parental responsibility was especially highlighted in a TV advertisement of a consumer product, in which a teenage daughter during a family meal referred to the predicament of a girl classmate who was impregnated by her boyfriend.
Irwan, in addition to the radio talk show, drives his motorcycle (the most ubiquitous object in Jakarta) every day to meet fathers in parking lots and other public places. In one of the sessions with fathers, he met a mining company executive who was having a hard time connecting with his 12-year-old daughter. He asked the father if he ever called his daughter during the day just to tell her he missed her. "He said he never did. So I asked him to call her that afternoon. It's not easy. When the daughter picked up the phone, her answer was hostile like 'Why did you call?' " It seems it took several days for the father to begin a healthy conversation. It took some time before the father could begin a healthy conversation with the daughter. “The words” I called you because I miss you and want to know how you have been doing today’ seemed to be so hard to say," remarked the anxious father. Fortunately, he had made the first step. He had broken the ice. I hope fathers who are reading this column will examine their own practices and make the necessary changes to improve their relations with their children. As the name of the Indonesian foundation suggests, fathers should be the best friends of their children. For comments, my e-mail address is bernardo.villegas@uap.asia.
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